I have been in a relationship with an amazing person for a bit over a year. It is, perhaps the most healthy relationship I have ever been in. My partner is excellent at communicating, is considerate, honest, and completely real. It has been a journey of major healing for me. I have been able to confront and realize all of my major insecurities and wounds and find a way to heal them as a result of being part of this relationship.
Having a safe place to grow, heal, and communicate with another person results in serious feelings developing. In fact, I am quite certain that those feelings are Love. Having experienced this emotion before, I know the intensity and how it envelops you. How that person stays on your mind and becomes part of your consideration. How you continue to think of new ways to let them know what they mean to you. I know I love my partner, but I have never actually spoken that in my lover’s presence.
My actions, and those of my lover, tell the whole story of our true feelings. I am certain that the extent of my emotions are known, and so I wonder, “Is it really necessary to utter those words?”
There have been several times when I have nearly uttered those words. Once was during our first argument (one in nearly 14 months isn’t too shabby). I thought better of it, as I did not want to negativity surrounding my first utterance of that powerful phrase. There have been other times that I nearly said it, but chose not to.
What is holding me back? Sure, I am afraid that the sentiment will not be returned, but it is more than that. Once uttered, those words are always present. They cannot be taken back. This is also why I don’t fight like others do. I want to be sure of myself before I speak, and this stops me from speaking.
Additionally, all of those I have loved in the past have betrayed me inthe worst possible ways. So now we are back to fear. I am afraid that once spoken, as in so many cases before, the nature of our relationship will shift and I will be once again betrayed. This is the main wound that I need to heal, and it is what I am working toward. I want to be able to be willingly vulnerable again.